Why do parents talk with their childrens’ friends?

by on November 12, 2005 at 5:42 am in Education | Permalink

As a teenager, some of my friends became quite chummy with my parents.  But usually teenage children want their parents to stay quiet.  Why might a parent wish to talk to other teenagers?

1. The parent seeks to estimate the quality, or at least the politeness, of the child’s friends.

2. The parent wishes to feel connected to younger generations.

3. The parent is nervous and wishes to relieve the tension of quiet.  And not speaking is seen as an abdication of parental responsibility.

4. The parent wishes to establish the authority to do something the child does not like.

5. The parent finds those children genuinely interesting.

6. The parent wishes to pretend a reasonable relationship with the peers of their child, either to feel involved or to pretend that everything will be OK.

None of these motives are popular with the sons and daughters of the conversing parent.  If a put on my technocratic Paretian hat, this is sooner an activity to be taxed than subsidized.

pb November 12, 2005 at 9:33 am

How about, “The parent wishes to glean information from the friends, looking for accidental info slips”

John November 12, 2005 at 11:12 am

A least one set of parents of female classmates talk to me when I’m around because they want me to date their daughter.

Blar November 12, 2005 at 3:09 pm

Taking pb’s as #7, how about:

8. Parents are genuinely interested in their own children’s lives, because they like knowing what their children do and/or because they don’t like not knowing what their children do, and they consider knowing their children’s friends to be a part of this.

9. Man is a social animal.

John P. November 12, 2005 at 6:48 pm

Another suggestion: The parents believe that it’s polite to chit-chat with people who come into their house. Chatting with the child’s friends not only fulfills the parents’ politeness duty but also sets an example for the child.

tom November 13, 2005 at 6:21 am

Other motivations that come to mind:

The psychological peer-parent syndrome – where mothers are trying to act and look like their teenage daughters, and fathers
live vicariously through the children’s achievements (the ‘frustrated jock’ comes to mind). The “perpetual youth” phenomenon
- with all its nips-and-tucks and perky boob jobs – may have a lot to do with parents’ mirroring their children.

With the material desire to keep up with and outdo the Joneses, a parent could be trying to get information out of their
child’s friends about how their parents are doing, what they’re up to, etc.

Cultural differences are a factor too – with some groups being gregarious, and others more stand-offish (and if a friend’s
own parents are the latter by nature, he/she will get fulfillment from the other’s more open parents – unfortunately, often
at the expense of one’s own satisfaction of keeping peers and their interests apart from one’s identity with mom and dad).

'As You Know' Bob November 14, 2005 at 3:04 am

Another factor at work: parents are often not on the best of terms with their own children – and the children’s friends often aren’t the best of terms with their own parents.

Parents talk to their children’s friends to test various aspects of this. (“Have I become a horrible person since my kid turned 15?” “Does this demographically similar teenager also think I’m a clueless old bore?” )

Neal November 14, 2005 at 11:22 am

I know that a lot of it can be an extension of parents’ friendships with “your” parents (you being the friend) or that they want to see who you present yourself as when their child is around. I always end up being the annoying friend who everyone’s parents like and bug their kids about, even though outside of the presence of their parents (and around my own) I am a lot less well-behaved… of course now that I am a college sophomore the issue comes up a lot less, but I have witnessed it happen up here.

I usually genuinely enjoy talking with some of my friends parents, also, because they have a lot of things to talk about that I haven’t heard before… precisely because they are not my parents and may have new stories that annoy the heck out of my friends but that are fresh to me.

Scott November 16, 2005 at 4:23 pm

When I was a teen, I greatly appreciated it when adults treated me as a peer. I think it’s good for the self-esteem of teens, who spend a lot of time being told they aren’t adults yet. When my children are older, I hope to converse with their friends because they are interesting people. And maybe they’ll enjoy it too.

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likaida March 18, 2009 at 12:27 am
likaida March 18, 2009 at 12:30 am
likaida March 18, 2009 at 12:34 am

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