Harry was Correct

by on July 12, 2006 at 7:10 am in Film, Science | Permalink

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any
way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex
part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and
there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my
knowledge?
Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with
you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he
finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a
woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out
there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Here’s an abstract from a recent meeting of the Human Behavior and Evolution Society (no online paper that I could find):

Getting Both Sides of the Story: Sexual Attraction and Sexual Events
Between Opposite-Sex Friends

Matteson, Lindsay K. (University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire,
matteslk@uwec.edu); Gragg, Brittany I.; Stocco, Corey S.; Bleske-Rechek, April

Debate exists on whether opposite-sex friends experience sexual
attraction to one another and, if so, whether that attraction adds
spice or strife to the friendship. Little systematic research,
however, has evaluated these questions; and existing studies have not
asked for both friends’ perspectives. In the current study, 89 pairs
of young adult opposite-sex friends (mean friendship duration = 2
years) reported on their friendship. Men reported more sexual
attraction to their friends than did women, and this sex difference
endured after controlling for men’s greater sexual unrestrictedness.
Approximately 25% of friendship pairs had romantically kissed, and
over 10% had "fooled around." Attraction to friend was not related to
friendship duration, and sexual events occurred at various time
points in the friendship, suggesting that attraction to friends isn’t
something that is "overcome" with time. We discuss our findings in
the context of mainstream literature suggesting that opposite-sex
friendships are inherently platonic.

4 comments

Scott July 12, 2006 at 8:38 am

Harry is exactly right…with a couple exceptions. The first exception is childhood friendship. Though the friendship (in many cases) can still be doomed by the very same principles as Harry was talking about, it is POSSIBLE for a man to be friends with a woman if they knew each other before he really knew about sex…then she’s like a family member, and even men can resist sex in that capacity.

Second, men can be friends with women if the man is already involved in a satisfying relationship (i.e. married, but not necessarily†¦married men still cheat) and the woman is too. The latter part is not necessary, but it’s typically more difficult to cheat when both are in a relationship.

The last exception that I can think of may be debatable: colleagues. It’s debatable because you got to ask whether this can really be defined as friendship. You have to be friends with these people. And, even men can be nice if they are compelled. Nonetheless, men and women can have platonic friendships as colleagues.

Also note, I’m not saying that these exceptions have to hold all the time. My grandparents were childhood friends and ended up getting married later on. And, I’m sure as you are reading this married individuals are getting it on with those outside their marriage (which may or may not be a colleague). My point is that these are some common exceptions to the rule.

Can anyone think of any more? I have this debate all the time with women, and a surprising amount want to believe that Harry is not correct. In fact, I’ve met very few women who have thought Harry was right!

Peter July 12, 2006 at 9:47 am

One thing that might affect the survey results is the phenomenon of the F*** Buddy. To the extent these relationships really exist and are not just themes in popular culture, they could make it seem as if opposite-sex friendships are more heavily sexual than is the case if only true friendships are considered.

albatross July 12, 2006 at 10:11 am

Yeah, the Harry quote and the study both were talking mainly about attraction, not actions. I certainly notice that dynamic (at least on my side) with various female friends and colleagues, though I have absolutely no intention of sleeping with any of them (I’m married, and would like to remain so). It’s not like this makes a friendship impossible, it just adds a different note to it. You (or at least I) never notice if your male friend or your sister is dressed in an especially attractive way today, but you (or at least I) definitely notice that with female friends.

One interesting question is how this dynamic manifests itself in same-sex friendships where one or both people are gay or bisexual. That might shed light on some of the workings of the different approaches to sex of men and women vs. the dynamics of friendships where sexual or romantic attraction is a component.

Blar July 12, 2006 at 10:19 am

Does “young adult” = “college student”? If so, I question the generalizability of these findings.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: