A Slate reader writes in to Prudie:
My dear, highly educated husband has written a book. While he has many talents, writing isn't among them. He paid someone to edit the book, which helped it somewhat, but it's still awful. I've gone through it as well and cleaned it up the best I could without completely rewriting it. The problem is my attitude—I don't feel it's my place to crush my husband's dream but find it hard to just sit there with a smile on my face while he goes on and on about how life will change when he's a best-selling author. It's not going to happen. I realize that at one point a publisher (or a stack of rejection letters) will make the point without me doing so, but I'm not quite sure how to act now. I love him and want to be supportive of him following his dreams, but I don't want him to waste his time. Do I stand by and lie, or break the news to him somehow?
For Prudie's answer, and Trudie's answer (remember Trudie?), you must look under the fold...
Trudie chuckled when she read these two sentences from Prudie:
I can’t tell if your husband’s fantasies are sweetly pathetic or disturbingly delusional.
…and…
You don’t need to crush your husband—you’re right, the marketplace will take care of that task…
The highly egalitarian Trudie believes that everyone deserves a chance. What would Immanuel Kant’s wife (it is no accident he didn’t have one) have said about his draft of Critique of Pure Reason? Trudie offers the husband — if he can be located — the following deal, maintaining his anonymity if he so wishes. I’ll read the manuscript, or at least try to, and tell everyone what I really think.
Wow, I’m not sure I could stay married to someone who didn’t tell me I was in the process of writing a terrible book. That seems like a tremendously selfish act: To value the image of being a kind, supportive wife over saving a loved one a very significant amount of hardship.
But then its no accident I don’t have a wife either.
Trudie has a good point. What if he is a good writer, and his wife just has poor taste (or at least taste that is out of sync with the mainstream)?
Why doesn’t she just say something like: “Well honey, you know that it’s very difficult to be a successful author. Most authors don’t actually get published, and most published authors don’t become successful. So I don’t want you to get too ahead of yourself here. Let’s not fantasize about what it’d be like for you to become the next J.K. Rowling. Also, you need to think deeply about the fact that, just as a statistical matter, your chances of success are low. If you want to write a book for your own satisfaction, that’s great; just don’t write a book because you think it’s a good way to become wealthy or famous. Your odds are just too low.”
This way she keeps him grounded in reality without actually criticizing his book.
I’m remembering that Joyce had to rewrite “A Portrait of the Artist” from scratch after burning most of its original version “Stephen Hero” after an argument with his wife over whether it would ever be published.
Sturgeon’s Law suggests that the dude’s book probably is crap, but I don’t know that I’d trust my wife to make that decision for me….
My wife has refused to read my book because she doesn’t want to trash my dream. What she doesn’t realize is that even if she hates it, and tells me so, two things won’t change: I will continue to love her and I will continue to write.
oh, and one more thing. be thankful that your husband isn’t trying to be a painter (you will have to look at his work all the time) or a jewelry maker (you will have to wear it).
“someone who didn’t tell me I was in the process of writing a terrible book”
There’s a name for people like this…wives.
For god sake…constructive criticism?
The first book is supposed to suck. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t even publish people’s first books.
What exactly is this thing that works exactly right the first time, I need to go do that, my wife is getting impatient with this whole risk/reward proposition.
Actually, my wife is good, but I can tell it’s a struggle.
Who was it who said:
“The hardest thing for a writer’s wife to come to terms with is that when he’s staring out the window, he’s working.”
My theory is that academia pretty much came into existence to legitimize window gazing to wives.
Or, maybe we should thank all the wives who have kept a lot of crap off the shelves.
I second Prudie, plus Yan Li and blabla’s comments–the wife should do what she can to keep the guy’s expectation reasonable, and then let the market decide who’s right. I’ve never written a book, but if I did I’m not sure I would expect my wife to like it. Furthermore, there are plenty of awful books (or books which I think are awful, if you prefer) that get published and make a lot of money.
Does Michael Bay’s wife like his movies? Does she have to?
Just because a book is terrible, doesn’t mean it won’t become a bestseller!
I think she would have mentioned the sole breadwinner thing if that was the case. Since she didn’t, I assume this is a hobby of his and she doesn’t like it for other reasons.
For one, even if his book doesn’t get published, I’m sure he derives some amount of pleasure from writing. After all, how many people have thought of writing a novel and didn’t follow through? I think you have to enjoy writing a little to complete a task like writing a book, even if it sucks. Everyone fritters away leisure hours doing something they enjoy without ever seeing any payout. I’m sure this guys wife spends a good deal of time in front of the television. Should he tell her it’s a waist of time?
I’d also like to know her background? She cleaned it up the best she could, but couldn’t do more without rewriting the whole thing? What makes her qualified to judge or edit writing? Since she doesn’t mention it, I’m assuming she isn’t.
I don’t think she is being honest. I think she wants him to stop writing, now, for reasons that have nothing to do with the quality of his work.
Whoa — I doubt this woman wrote in with the hope of being thrown in front of a firing squad. I think if the husband is betting too heavily on this being a part of his/their future, then yes, this would be an issue for her. Imagine, gentlemen, that your very pretty but not movie-star-attractive wife did nothing but spend her time standing in front of the mirror and talking about how exciting it would be when she became a famous model? Harmless? Sure. Annoying? Probably. Should you tell her that she’s not good looking enough? No. Should this wife tell her husband he’s not talented enough? (And since she made no mention of his previous publications [short stories, for example], an agent, or other indication that he’s taken steps to make this a reality, chances are he likely doesn’t have the chops.) No. She shouldn’t. Because like some people above mentioned, what is painful but palatable from a professional editor or agent is utter misery from a loved one. It’s a less than ideal situation, but time will sort it out most likely.
If my wife told me honestly that she thought something I wrote wasn’t so good, I’d take it on board. Better that she’s honest than phony. I would appreciate and expect some support from her anyway, but that doesn’t mean she has to *like* my work. If I were so sensitive that I couldn’t accept her being less optimistic than I, maybe I haven’t got thick enough skin. Maybe she’s right, maybe not. Maybe it doesn’t even matter. But at least she’s secure enough to level with me.
I’ll take the honest wife, with a healthy dose of TLC. Never forget the TLC.
To each his own. I know one highly educated octogenarian whose lifelong dream has always been to be a writer, but who has never had any real success; his wife always supported him. Another highly educated elderly man is an incompetent amateur violinist who loves to perform at local functions but his wife–who gives private piano lessons and should really know better–won’t hear a word against him. Both of these men have always been somewhat delusional about their talents or chance for success, and have managed to find wives that are willing to play along. It works for them.
Is Prudie’s highly educated writer delusional to the same degree? Too bad his wife finds it hard to just sit there with a smile on her face while her husband drones on and on about how life will change. That is a solution for some people, though.
If the husband “wastes” his time happily, but still contributes to the household, don’t burst his bubble. Writing is a noble gamble. John Steinbeck made some remarks that seem relevant:
1)The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.
2) A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.
3)The writer must believe that what he is doing is the most important thing in the world. And he must hold to this illusion even when he knows it is not true.
Each time Virginia Woolf finished a book, she gave the manuscript to Leonard to read. She waited in agony anticipating what he would say. In each case he told her that it was the best thing she’d ever written. In each case, she believed him.
Men are vain with fragile egos, never gonna change. So, she should support him, play along and admire him and his skills. Even if he isn’t superior.
Women are insecure about being alone and are emotioally needy, never gonna change. So good men know that their woman want to be assured that she is the center of the universe and is always interesting. Even if she is not.
Or maybe my assumptions are wrong.
No one seems to have approached the problem from the backwards perspective.
Why doesn’t the wife encourage him to the max. Support him as much as possible and shower him with sugary sweet praise? It can even be game to see how high a bar you can set in his mind. This way, she has encouraged him to persue a dream. He will come to her for support and praise when he feels down.
Now, when he goes to get published two things can happen. His book can be a huge success or even a mild success. In which case, she’ll certainly be in the credits/dedication and he will share his warmm fuzzy “success” feelings with her. Or his book can be failure, in which case he will come back to her for consolation. If she has set his expectations high enough, the failure, however, should be an utter embarassment.
This will turn him off of this dream for good; the dream will be broken. The key to this is that expectations need to be set as far from reality as possible. This is what causes the utter embarassment necessary to stop the fruitless dream if in fact there was no talent. I have used this on my husband with good success and he loves me all the more for it.
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If this woman is so concerned about her husband spending his time writing a book, she should consider herself lucky. He could be spending his time considering other women or vegging in front of the TV or drinking to escape a nagging and selfish wife. Too many comments about the book and maybe he’ll move onto other hobbies.
I think the variation in the comments on this thread alone suggests that generic advice is as likely to be useless as not. The optimal course of action depends greatly on the personality of the husband, and his likely response to various actions by the wife. The wife’s own judgment, perhaps assisted by those of close friends may be better than anything else here. In light of that, meta-advice strikes me as more useful than specific recommendations: what sort of mistakes is the wife most likely to make here?
I’d suggest that whatever the wife does, she should (a) recognise that her own judgment may be fallible, and make sure to communicate this to the husband if she does decide to tell him she doesn’t like it; (b) ensure that he knows that she loves him no matter what.
More generally, if anyone’s spouse is thinking of doing something like this, it might be worth having a frank discussion about their attitude to criticism before they start out (though whether that’s likely to work will also depend greatly on the personalities involved).
I had some a few old college buddies who were planning to make a comedic short film. They sent the script and it had, at best, two chuckles in the 15 minute film. Being friends, and not a spouse, I just really tore into them and added several suggestions pushing them to add multiple layers of jokes and not simply rely on an amusing premise. They responded somewhat angrily and told me why none of my thoughts were worth including. A few months later after filming I find out that they incorporated virtually every single suggestion that I had made.
I think the wife needs to push him to continually improve the book. Push him to improve it until he either gives up or it gets published.
As an acquisition editor, before I sign an author to a pub agreement, we have a very frank discussion about the very frank discussion the potential author must have with his or her significant other(s)about time commitment and the potential for failure.
A manuscript can be a very jealous mistress, and, for most authors, when they are about 80% – 90% done it turns into a very heavy millstone.
And all experienced editors and publishers make bad calls, signing and publishing books they should not have, and rejecting books they should have accepted.
Profitable publishing is not a science.
In legitimate publishing money goes to the writer it should never go from the writer. Real publishers are prepared to pay you in advance for the right to publish your book, provided they think it is good enough. If the “publisher” wants to bill you for producing your book they are a vanity press and effectively a scam.
The letter writer should begin by asking the book writer, “Do you want my opinion?” Then respect the answer because you respect the person (or you shouldn’t have married him).
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