The Dangers of Common Knowledge
WASHINGTON–The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after
unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke
shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a
meaningless and intangible social construct.
…"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed
will of course act appropriately if we…if we…" said Bernanke, who then
paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook
his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of
this–this so-called 'money'–really matters at all."
"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed
bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look
at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them.
According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in
thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT)
finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of
it–the money, our whole economy–it's all a lie!"
Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of
the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with
the remains of torn currency.