What’s the most intellectual joke you know?

by on June 26, 2013 at 10:23 am in Education, Games | Permalink

That query is from AskReddit, the link is here, and here are a few of the nominations:

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

And:

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

And:

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

I don’t find that latter one funny at all, as they are telling it wrong.

The pointer is from Jodi Ettenberg of Legal Nomads fame.

What are your picks?  You get mine every day.

anony June 26, 2013 at 10:27 am

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when a cop pulls them over. The officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they’re going. Heisenberg replies that they do not, but know with high precision where they are. The cop thinks that’s weird, and begins to search the vehicle. He opens the trunk and asks, “did you know you’ve got a dead cat in the trunk?” Schrodinger says, “well, *now* we do.”

What’s purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.

albert magnus June 26, 2013 at 10:32 am

It seems the majority of physics humor revolves around the Copenhagen interpretation for some reason. Maybe that explains why it sticks around even though its kind of terrible (aside from no one can think of anything better).

anon June 26, 2013 at 10:54 am

I came here to post

What’s purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.

too.

Matt June 26, 2013 at 12:22 pm

What’s purple, commutes and is worshipped twice every night?

A bi-nightly venerated Abelian grape.

Colleen June 28, 2013 at 12:12 pm

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Bruno Mota June 26, 2013 at 12:07 pm

Why was Werner Heisenberg sexually frustrated? Because whenever he found a position, he lacked the momentum; and when he had the time he didn’t have the energy…

Go Kings, Go! June 26, 2013 at 2:00 pm

I’m reading a book about graviphotons. I can’t put it down.

Adrian Ratnapala June 27, 2013 at 5:17 pm

I’m told that this joke works better in French. Can anyone expand on that?

Claude Scales July 17, 2013 at 3:58 pm

If you substitute Chomsky for Schrodinger in the road trip story, and the cop says “Do you know you’ve got a dead cat in the trunk?”, Chomsky would reply, “No, but if you hum a few bars…”

blah June 26, 2013 at 10:35 am

Do math jokes count as being intellectual? If so:
What’s the contour integral around western Europe? Zero, all the poles are in eastern Europe. Addendum: There are poles in western Europe but they’re removable.

Jimmy June 26, 2013 at 10:51 am

+1. Definitely my favorite math joke.

Pearl June 26, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Why can’t you grow wheat in Z mod 6?
Because it’s not a field.

Nathan June 26, 2013 at 10:38 am

My favorite from that thread was:
Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in. Noah’s wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he’ll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. “How is this going to get them to reproduce?” she asks. “Trust me,” he replies. A few days after that, she notices there are eggs in the basket. She is delighted, and asks Noah how the picnic table could have possibly helped. He says, “My dear, even adders can multiply on a log table.”

anony June 26, 2013 at 10:40 am

Well, the ensemble interpretation is a bit of a buzzkill when it comes to humor… :-)

Plus, quantum mechanics makes my head spin.

Njorl June 28, 2013 at 3:18 pm

Integral or half integral?

km June 26, 2013 at 10:40 am

Dalai Llama and Mayor Bloomberg go to a hot dog stand in NYC. Mayor Bloomberg gets his usual. Vendor turns to Llama and asks what he wants on his veggie dog.
Llama thinks about it and replies: “Make me one with everything”

Viren June 26, 2013 at 10:50 am

This is the winner.

Reed June 26, 2013 at 11:40 am

This joke was actually (or a version of it) was told to the Dalai Lama; he did not get it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c

secret asian man June 26, 2013 at 11:48 am

The Dalai Llama takes his hot dog and hands the vendor a twenty. The vendor turns away.

“What about my change?” says the Dalai Lama?

“Change comes from within” replies the hot dog vendor.

sfw June 28, 2013 at 4:03 am

I don’t get it.

Jack Rowe June 28, 2013 at 2:56 pm

When the Dalai Lama asks for his change, the vendor replies: “All change comes from within, my son.”

Steve June 26, 2013 at 10:42 am

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender says, “You guys are a**holes,” and pours two beers.

The Heisenberg/Schrodinger road trip joke ranks up there too.

Not quite a joke but I have seen a bumper sticker with a red background and white letters that says, “If this sticker is blue, you’re going too fast.”

Curcuas June 26, 2013 at 12:50 pm

The proper punchline this joke is:
The Bartender says “you don’t know your limits” and pours them 2 beers

Doug M June 26, 2013 at 1:28 pm

Red cars get more speeding tickets. They are not traveling any faster, but they appear to be due to the doppler shift.

efp June 26, 2013 at 2:08 pm

I like the punchline with a**hole better. Follow up I just made up:

The next day the same infinite swarm of mathematicians returns to the bar. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a third of a beer. The bartender looks at the fourth one and says “sorry, we’re out of beer.”

efp June 26, 2013 at 2:19 pm

The third day the infinite swarm of mathematicians returns to the bar yet again. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a quarter of a beer, the third one orders one ninth of a beer. The bartender says “sorry, the bakery is across the street.”

Ok I’ll stop now.

Adrian Ratnapala June 27, 2013 at 5:21 pm

You people should never have had your revolution.

In the Empire, we can get pies in pubs.

Thanatos Savehn June 26, 2013 at 3:11 pm

… and the bartender Zeno says “I’ll pour forever but you clowns will never get two beers out of me.”

Peter June 26, 2013 at 10:46 am

Aleph-naught bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-naught bottles of beer,
Take one down,
Pass it around,
Aleph-naught bottles of beer on the wall.

Peter June 26, 2013 at 11:00 am

I’ll also shamelessly link to a few more of my own, from a long time ago:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/terrible-poetry-jokes
I’m not sure if this link is dead or if it just won’t load here (in China)

Skip Intro June 26, 2013 at 12:26 pm

Link works in Singapore.

Sam Kornstein June 26, 2013 at 10:48 am

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” The bartender pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians are all like, “That’s all you’re giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?” The bartender says, “Come on guys. Know your limits.”

Barkley Rosser June 26, 2013 at 11:39 am

This one does not work so well if it is a continuum of economic agents rather than an aleph-null, countably infinite set of mathematicians.

Barkley Rosser June 26, 2013 at 11:40 am

Only works well if aleph-null set of mathematicians, not a continuum.

Phil June 26, 2013 at 2:16 pm

The mathematicians would know enough not to complain. Maybe freshman calculus students would work better?

Shanth June 27, 2013 at 11:41 pm

Infinitely many physicists walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have two beers.” The third says, “I’ll have three beers.” The bartender grabs a beer that one of them walked in with, pours out a twelfth of it, and returns the bottle.

Alex June 28, 2013 at 10:53 am

That’s hilarious!

Greg June 26, 2013 at 10:52 am

Two economists walked past a Porsche showroom. One of them pointed at a shiny car in the window and said, “I want that.” “Obviously not,” the other replied.

Edward Pierce June 26, 2013 at 12:04 pm

Well played.

Brian Donohue June 26, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Heh

The Sheep Nazi June 26, 2013 at 10:53 am

The bartender says “You guys really need to learn your limits”, and pours two beers. Still a good one though,

Trey June 26, 2013 at 10:53 am

From the same Reddit thread, I thought this was hilarious:

Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

I hasten to add that all I know about Mandelbrot I learned from Jonathan Coulton (http://youtu.be/ES-yKOYaXq0)

Hazel Meade June 26, 2013 at 11:16 am

Like this one the best.

Bruce Cleaver June 26, 2013 at 12:37 pm

My fave too.

biagio June 26, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Definitively my favourite.

Olaf June 26, 2013 at 4:40 pm

+1

Kitty_T June 26, 2013 at 6:50 pm

I always liked “Yo mama’s so fat she ain’t even in the Mandelbrot set.” (‘Cause she tends to infinity.)

Larry Siegel June 27, 2013 at 1:11 am

Not bad…

mmultiplier June 29, 2013 at 6:58 pm

Mandlebrot actually added that B in there, it doesn’t officially stand for anything, so it actually might actually be his own attempt at a fractal joke.

Tyler Cowen June 26, 2013 at 10:54 am

So far the lot of you is beating Reddit, and this post has been up for only half an hour.

Jonathan June 26, 2013 at 10:55 am

“What’s up?”
“North X West”

Russ R. June 26, 2013 at 10:08 pm

“What’s up?”

“A preposition.”

Jody Neel June 27, 2013 at 6:30 am

Don’t know if they’re intellectual, but I was known for giving a variety of answers to “whats up”

A two letter word indicating direction
(Looks up, says whatever is there)
An album by Shania Twain
A well known train line in the American West
A Disney movie where… Squirrel!!!
Where Marquette is.
The lightest quark with charge 2/3
What I wish I wasn’t for another hour

Mike Swaine June 28, 2013 at 10:09 pm

What Rick Astley’s never gonna give you.

tbner July 1, 2013 at 8:07 am

A two letter directional meaning…and a popular modern colloquialism

katz July 4, 2013 at 2:48 pm

“What’s new?” “C over lambda.”

Fran June 26, 2013 at 10:58 am

How do you describe the transaction in which Julia Child paid far too much for a used Impala? Chevy-Chef’s inequality!

Mike June 26, 2013 at 11:00 am

“We don’t serve neutrinos in here,” says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faster-than-light_neutrino_anomaly#First_results

Bruno Mota June 26, 2013 at 12:13 pm

That only works for tachyons

Trey June 26, 2013 at 11:03 am

Tyler, would you accept today’s xkcd (which is not (yet?) on the Reddit thread)?

http://xkcd.com/1230

FredR June 26, 2013 at 11:03 am

A guy’s wife catches him with a prostitute. He says “Relax, our relationship is strictly ploutonic!”

Norm June 26, 2013 at 11:05 am

Knock knock
Who’s there
Knock knock
Who’s there
Knock knock
Who’s there
Knock knock
Who’s there
Knock knock
Who’s there
Knock knock
Who’s there
Knock knock
Who’s there

John Cage

Thor June 26, 2013 at 11:26 am

Phillip Glass!

Doug M June 26, 2013 at 1:58 pm

knock knock, knock knock, KNOCK KNOCK, knock knock.

Norm June 27, 2013 at 10:40 am

Dang, that is who I meant. Brain lock.

Neo July 1, 2013 at 10:14 am

“Knock knock.” “Come in!”

“Take my wife, for instance, please!”

“Sometimes, a penis is just a penis.”

http://www.jir.com/graph_contest/index.html#OneGraph

Some Standouts from Recent Ig Nobel Prizes:

2012 NEUROSCIENCE PRIZE: Craig Bennett, Abigail Baird, Michael Miller, and George Wolford [USA], for demonstrating that brain researchers, by using complicated instruments and simple statistics, can see meaningful brain activity anywhere — even in a dead salmon.
REFERENCE: “Neural correlates of interspecies perspective taking in the post-mortem Atlantic Salmon: An argument for multiple comparisons correction,” Craig M. Bennett, Abigail A. Baird, Michael B. Miller, and George L. Wolford, poster, 15th Annual Meeting of the Organization for Human Brain Mapping, San Francisco, CA, June 2009.

2012 ANATOMY PRIZE: Frans de Waal [The Netherlands and USA] and Jennifer Pokorny [USA] for discovering that chimpanzees can identify other chimpanzees individually from seeing photographs of their rear ends.
REFERENCE: “Faces and Behinds: Chimpanzee Sex Perception” Frans B.M. de Waal and Jennifer J. Pokorny, Advanced Science Letters, vol. 1, 99–103, 2008.

2011 CHEMISTRY PRIZE: Makoto Imai, Naoki Urushihata, Hideki Tanemura, Yukinobu Tajima, Hideaki Goto, Koichiro Mizoguchi and Junichi Murakami of JAPAN, for determining the ideal density of airborne wasabi (pungent horseradish) to awaken sleeping people in case of a fire or other emergency, and for applying this knowledge to invent the wasabi alarm.
REFERENCE: US patent application 2010/0308995 A1; filing date: Feb 5, 2009. Product info [from Seems, Inc.].

2011 MEDICINE PRIZE: Mirjam Tuk (of THE NETHERLANDS and the UK), Debra Trampe (of THE NETHERLANDS) and Luk Warlop (of BELGIUM). and jointly to Matthew Lewis, Peter Snyder and Robert Feldman (of the USA), Robert Pietrzak, David Darby, and Paul Maruff (of AUSTRALIA) for demonstrating that people make better decisions about some kinds of things — but worse decisions about other kinds of things‚ when they have a strong urge to urinate.
REFERENCE: “Inhibitory Spillover: Increased Urination Urgency Facilitates Impulse Control in Unrelated Domains,” Mirjam A. Tuk, Debra Trampe and Luk Warlop, Psychological Science, vol. 22, no. 5, May 2011, pp. 627-633.

2010 MANAGEMENT PRIZE: Alessandro Pluchino, Andrea Rapisarda, and Cesare Garofalo of the University of Catania, Italy, for demonstrating mathematically that organizations would become more efficient if they promoted people at random.
REFERENCE: “The Peter Principle Revisited: A Computational Study,” Alessandro Pluchino, Andrea Rapisarda, and Cesare Garofalo, Physica A, vol. 389, no. 3, February 2010, pp. 467-72.

2008 LITERATURE PRIZE. David Sims of Cass Business School. London, UK, for his lovingly written study “You Bastard: A Narrative Exploration of the Experience of Indignation within Organizations.”
REFERENCE: “You Bastard: A Narrative Exploration of the Experience of Indignation within Organizations,” David Sims, Organization Studies, vol. 26, no. 11, 2005, pp. 1625-40.

2007 LINGUISTICS PRIZE: Juan Manuel Toro, Josep B. Trobalon and Núria Sebastián-Gallés, of Universitat de Barcelona, for showing that rats sometimes cannot tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and a person speaking Dutch backwards.
REFERENCE: “Effects of Backward Speech and Speaker Variability in Language Discrimination by Rats,” Juan M. Toro, Josep B. Trobalon and Núria Sebastián-Gallés, Journal of Experimental Psychology: Animal Behavior Processes, vol. 31, no. 1, January 2005, pp 95-100.

MXM June 26, 2013 at 11:06 am

A bunch of logicians are at a conference when God appears and says, “Ask me one question, and I will answer it.” After conferring for a while they ask: “What is the ordered pair the first member of which is the best question to ask and the second member is the answer?” God replies: “The question you asked and the answer I’m giving.”

Ramon June 26, 2013 at 12:05 pm

Very good!

Amos Zeeberg June 26, 2013 at 1:06 pm

Dig it

Ben Dover July 3, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Oh! Wiseguy! Nuk, nuk, nuk.

Patrick McKenzie June 26, 2013 at 11:06 am

A elementary school teacher once set her students out to learning the multiplication table by divvying up five problems to each student and having them discover the answer via counting, repeated adding, or using manipulables. After taking 9×9 for herself, she thought the table was covered, but then a pair of twins walked in late, so she decided to make them cover the naughts row.

They produced zero marginal products.

Mark June 26, 2013 at 11:10 am

I know a great joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’ll get it.

adiabatic expand-o-matic June 26, 2013 at 11:18 am

The best part about UDP jokes is that I don’t care if you get them.

Engineer June 26, 2013 at 3:36 pm

I would write “+1″, but it’s TCP that has the sequence number.

dbg June 26, 2013 at 5:35 pm

approve.

wlfjstr June 28, 2013 at 12:20 pm

I’ve seen this one, and I was upset that I had never heard a UDP joke before, so…

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
UDP
UDP who?

geckokarma June 28, 2013 at 1:21 pm

Go ahead and tell it. Snowden can explain it to me.

Kent Guida June 26, 2013 at 11:13 am

Samuel Johnson: What do you call the discreet prostitute?
John Locke: The judicious Hooker.

Danny July 1, 2013 at 4:19 pm

Venerial joke (no pun intended, but hard to avoid here):

Q: What do you call a group of prostitutes?

A: An “Anthology of Pros”

Trey June 26, 2013 at 11:15 am

John Cage enters the hall and takes his place at the podium. He taps his music stand, waves his baton, then stands stock-still in front of the silent orchestra. After 6 minutes of this, a neophyte turns to the subscriber sitting next to him and says “is this some sort of a joke?” The subscriber answers “yes, but I’ve never heard him take so long to get to the punchline!”

Axa June 26, 2013 at 11:16 am

Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other asks “Are you sure?” To which the first replies, “I’m positive.”

Personally, I’m more into black humor trolling. So, no elaborate jokes, just dropping acid phrases in the middle of normal conversation can be funnier.

Go Kings, Go! June 26, 2013 at 1:57 pm

When chemists die, they barium.

katz July 4, 2013 at 2:50 pm

When chemists get sick, they helium (or curium).

Joe Smith June 26, 2013 at 3:29 pm

Not really on topic but I like this one:

A wide piece of highway walks into bar and orders a beer. A while later a narrow strip of pavement comes in and pushes the piece of highway off his stool and sits down in his place. The piece of highway moves down to the end of the bar and finds a new seat. The bartender comes up and asks quietly “why did you let him push you around” and the piece of highway answers “you don’t know him like I do, he’s a cycle path”

Bill June 26, 2013 at 9:20 pm

All colored gases are poisonous but not all all colorless gases are harmless. Why is this? God has a sense of humor.

Black humor+chemistry for the win.

George June 26, 2013 at 11:18 am

What is yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? Zorn’s Lemon.

Rene Descartes is sitting in a cafe. He orders coffee. The waiter asks, “Would you like cream?” Descartes replies,”I think not!” … and Descartes disappears.

A physicist’s car breaks down in the country. He walks to the nearest farmhouse and asks if he could spend the night. The farmer agrees. The next morning, the physicist thanks the farmer and tells him that physicists know about everything and if there is anything he can do for the farmer that he would be glad to do it. The farmer says “Well, my chickens have not been laying eggs lately. Could you help get them producing again?” The physicist says he will think about. He furiously starts calculating and after some time announces, “Assume a spherical chicken in a vacuum….”

dbp June 26, 2013 at 11:20 am

Q. What do you call someone who is afraid of eating trans-fats?

A. A cissy.

mw June 26, 2013 at 12:41 pm

hahaha

Bill June 26, 2013 at 9:22 pm

+1

Should have told that in my organic chem class to lighten the mood.

Matt Clements June 26, 2013 at 11:26 am

I am a solipsist, and I can’t understand why everyone else isn’t too.

Joseph Hertzlinger June 26, 2013 at 11:41 pm

You might be a solipsist but that only one man’s opinion.

Ben Dover July 3, 2013 at 2:55 pm

Everyone else is a solipsist. But that’s just them.

liz T June 26, 2013 at 11:30 am

What did the cat say as it slid down the slippery roof? mew! mew! mew! (mu)

Reggie June 26, 2013 at 11:31 am

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A) a gummy bear

Reggie June 26, 2013 at 11:34 am

Or, if you want a recondite version: What do you call a Bulgarian bear with no teeth? A) a gummy Zhivkov

Alejandro June 26, 2013 at 11:38 am

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, “Damn, it’s great to be e^x. I’m real analytic everywhere. I’m my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck.”

Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.

“Why don’t you look where you’re going?” demands e^x. He then sees the fear in 3’s eyes and says “You look terrified!” “I am!” says the panicky 3. “There’s a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I’ll be reduced to nothing! I’ve got to get away!” With that, 3 continues to dash off.

“Stupid constant,” thinks e^x. “I’ve got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I’ll still be there.”

So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. “Hi. I’m e^x.”

“Hi. I’m d / dy.”

ignorethedetail June 28, 2013 at 7:00 am

you are a comic genius :-)

von July 21, 2013 at 11:53 pm

Loved it!!! :)

Felipe June 26, 2013 at 11:41 am

An engineer, a chemist and an economist are lost in the desert, starving. They find a can of food, so they debate on how to open it:

The engineer: Let us use that rock as a lever to open it!
The chemist: Let us pour gallium[1] to the can so we can open it!
The economist: Let us assume a can opener…

[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaMWxLCGY0U

Robert Ghrist June 26, 2013 at 11:43 am

a group of logicians go into a bar.
the server asks “so, does everyone want a beer?”
the first says “i don’t know.”
the second says “i don’t know”
*etc*
the last logician says “yes, of course”.

MC June 26, 2013 at 2:15 pm

Took me a second, but that’s a good one.

Todd June 26, 2013 at 11:46 am

PABLO PICASSO and (some beer nuts)
(Part of a bar stool) and GEORGES BRAQUE
(Condensation ring from a glass on wood) and INTO A BAR
WALK and (Part of a word from a neon sign)

JCE June 26, 2013 at 11:48 am

it only works weel in spanish, but here it goes: “chuck norris no deriva. chuck norris desintegra”

another good one: “chuck norris *can* divide by zero”

Bliksem June 26, 2013 at 11:49 am

Two behaviorists have sex. One turns to the other and says, “That was good for you; how was it for me?”


Not sure whether this counts as a joke, strictly speaking, but it is rather funny:

In a lecture, J. L. Austin argued that a double negative in English implies a positive meaning, but there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative. To which Sidney Morgenbesser, from the back of the room, replied: “Yeah, yeah.”

Justin June 26, 2013 at 12:24 pm

On the independence of irrelevant alternatives: Morgenbesser, ordering dessert, is told by the waitress that he can choose between apple pie and blueberry pie. He orders the apple pie. Shortly thereafter, the waitress comes back and says that cherry pie is also an option; Morgenbesser says “In that case I’ll have the blueberry pie.”[3]

John Skookum June 27, 2013 at 7:55 pm

This is connected to the Monty Hall paradox at some level, I’m sure of it.

Keller Scholl June 29, 2013 at 9:48 pm

Not really, except in that they are both about decison-making and alternatives. Monty Hall is about provided information that changes a decision, where the information is provided about all three things. Morgenbesser is not about probability.

Further or Alternatively June 26, 2013 at 12:29 pm

Lots of languages allow double negatives but in English it’s a no-no.

homeboy June 28, 2013 at 12:08 pm

Nice!

Bart June 28, 2013 at 1:11 pm

Yeah, right…

Claude Scales July 5, 2013 at 11:49 pm

The Meathead: “Arch, you can’t use a double negative.”

Archie Bunker: “Oh yeah? Tell that to the guy who wrote ‘No, No Nanette.'”

TrueBlueMajority June 28, 2013 at 10:02 pm

the punchline to the J.L. Austin joke is supposed to be “yeah, right.”

john July 1, 2013 at 8:58 pm

no it isn’t, you just don’t get it

katz July 4, 2013 at 2:54 pm

Or “Yeah, right.”

NPW June 26, 2013 at 11:49 am

(√2)/2=√

Dan Weber June 26, 2013 at 12:26 pm

(√2) -> 2 for large values of √2

Danny July 1, 2013 at 4:26 pm

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

Mike June 26, 2013 at 11:49 am

Two behaviorists run into each other on the street. The first one says, “You’re fine. How am I?”

Willitts June 26, 2013 at 12:13 pm

Descartes walks into a bar and takes a seat in front of a half consumed beer. A man walks up and says, “Sir, I think you are sitting in my seat.” Descartes replies, “You are.”

I just made that up. OK, it’s not that great.

I like the Polish jokes. I like all Polish jokes. And Canadian jokes. And Jewish jokes. And lawyer jokes.

I agree that these jokes are pretty good. The intellectualism of the commenters is why I come here. Never own the nicest house on your block, and never be the smartest commenter on a blog. :)

bjk June 26, 2013 at 12:17 pm

Of motion, the oyster has but a dim racial memory.

Paul Crowley June 26, 2013 at 12:20 pm

A mathematician is a system for turning coffee into theorems.
A comathematician is a system for turning cotheorems into ffee.

ivvenalis June 26, 2013 at 12:20 pm

A plane takes off from Warsaw headed to New York. When the plane has almost reached its destination, the pilot announces that the Statue of Liberty can be seen out the windows on the right side, and the passengers crowd over to look out the window. The plane crashes and everyone about is killed.

It became unstable when all the Poles were on the right side of the plane.

Dr Decay June 28, 2013 at 11:39 am

Variant.
The pilot and copilot of a jet aircraft are both suddenly taken ill and pass out. Frantically, the rest of the crew attempt to find a passenger who has some flying experience. They locate an old man who says he flew prop planes for the Polish resistance in WWII. They take him to the cockpit and plead with him to try to fly the jet. He says “I can’t do it. I’m just a simple Pole in a complex plane”.

Techreseller June 26, 2013 at 12:21 pm

Sorry long one. Helps me remember the schools of the Catholic Church. If you do not fully get it, look up Dominicans, Franciscans and Jesuits.

A set of Catholic monks are playing golf. A Dominican, a Franciscan, and Jesuit. As they come to the tee, they see a foursome ahead of them. The entire foursome is blind. The Dominican looks at them and says this proves that this world is infused with evil. Here these people love golf but are blind and miss the lovely scenery and have such difficulty finding their ball. The Franciscan replies “no, you have it all wrong. It shows the wonder of God’s world. Here are these people struck blind, still able to get out and enjoy a round of golf together. It is wonderful”. “No, no” the Jesuit replies, “you both have it wrong. The logical question to ask is why are they not playing at night?”.

Bada bum.

JWatts June 26, 2013 at 3:44 pm

Often the same joke is told this way:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

After a short pause …

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

affenkopf June 26, 2013 at 4:17 pm

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. “What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? ” the one asked.

The second replied, “Well, they were both founded by Spaniards — St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy — the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.”

“What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?”

“Met any Albigensians lately?”

Nessuno June 26, 2013 at 7:20 pm

Along similar lines:

A Franciscan priest sits down next to a a Jesuit priest while riding a train to Rome. After a while the Franciscan notices that the Jesuit is smoking and praying.

Franciscan: I’m surprised to see you doing that.
Jesuit: Why’s that?
Franciscan: Well, our order asked the Holy Father for permission to do that and were denied.
Jesuit: Really? We asked the Pope, and he said we could. What did you ask him?
Franciscan: We asked if we could smoke while we prayed, and he said no.
Jesuit: Ahhhh! That’s the problem. We Jesuits asked if we could pray while we smoked, and he said, “of course!”

StPaulite June 26, 2013 at 12:22 pm

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her.

Anon June 26, 2013 at 12:28 pm

I read through all of these, and this was the only one that made me laugh.

Phil June 26, 2013 at 2:57 pm

I like that one too. It doesn’t quite fit the category, though.

Anon June 27, 2013 at 5:24 am

Not sure in what universe this conts as intellectual humor. Sixth grade?

D. June 29, 2013 at 1:02 am

Dress her like an alter boy.

Anon June 30, 2013 at 9:38 pm

Anti-catholicism: the last acceptable prejudice.

Eric June 26, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a watermelon?

A: The cat times the watermelon times the sine of the angle between them.

Sbard June 27, 2013 at 12:14 am

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing, you can’t cross a vector with a scaler.

Axa June 27, 2013 at 8:53 am

Hahahaha, good one.

katz July 4, 2013 at 2:57 pm

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elefino.

Sam June 26, 2013 at 12:26 pm

How is cubane like a hydroxyl group?

They’re both O H.

Explanation: Hydroxyl groups are represented as OH (oxygen and hydrogen). Cubane is a cubical molecule, C8H8, which has octahedral symmetry with horizontal mirror planes, and belongs to the symmetry group O \sub h

celestus June 26, 2013 at 12:27 pm

A bunch of students file into their first Intro to Econ class at the University of Chicago and sit down. The professor comes around and hands each student a sheet of papers- the first page says “Intro to Econ Final Exam.”

The students say, “Wait! How can you give us the final exam before the first class even starts?”
The professor says, “Well, if it was in your best interest to know the material, you would have already learned it.”

Urso June 26, 2013 at 1:53 pm

ty

Alan June 29, 2013 at 12:20 am

That exact same thing happened to me at Long Beach State in Differential Equations; didn’t have a clue, first week had a test, flunked! Got the hell out of Physics.

Milton's Nephew June 30, 2013 at 5:38 pm

No, that’s not the same thing; the joke is specific to the viewpoint of an economist.

Claude Scales July 6, 2013 at 12:03 am

A B-school finance professor who believes in efficient market theory and a student are walking across campus. The student says, “Hey! There’s a twenty dollar bill lying on the grass.” The professor says, “Impossible. If it were, someone would already have picked it up.”

Sebastian June 26, 2013 at 12:28 pm

what do you get if you mix a sociologist and Godfather? an offer you can’t understand.

Rob June 26, 2013 at 12:30 pm

Cahit Arf was a Turkish mathematician who discovered, about 1938, what is now called the Arf invariant and is applied in topology including knot theory. Arf and the formula for his invariant are portrayed on the reverse side of the current Turkish 10 lira note. With that in mind:

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man remarks to the bartender that his dog knows a lot of knot theory. Bartender dismissively says, “Sure he does”. Man says, “Go ahead, ask him a question”. Bartender rolls eyes and says, “Ok, what’s a knot invariant”. Dog happily barks: “Arf, Arf”. Bartender walks off in disgust. Dog turns to owner and says: “Should I have said the Alexander polynomial instead?”.

Marty Schwimmer June 26, 2013 at 12:32 pm

An economist and a normal person are walking down the street together. The normal person says “Hey, look, there’s a $20 bill on the sidewalk!” The economist replies by saying “That’s impossible- if it were really a $20 bill, it would have been picked up by now.” – HT The Economist

Russ R. June 26, 2013 at 10:26 pm

Young Paul Krugman falls asleep in his undergrad economics class at Yale.

The Professor, quite insulted, abruptly awakens the young student and demands, “Master Krugman, would you please share with the class the solution to the problem we’re discussing?”

To which Krugman replies, “I’m sorry Sir. I didn’t hear the question, but the answer is more stimulus”.

Rob in Buffalo June 28, 2013 at 3:39 pm

Or substitute “every right winger in the world” for “Paul Krugman” and the punchline becomes “I didn’t hear the question, but the answer is more tax cuts for the wealthy”.

bdbd June 28, 2013 at 4:00 pm

I heard that one differently.

One day a student in Milton Friedman’s class dozed off, and Friedman thought he’d make an example of him.

He nudged the sleeping student and said, “Mr. Smith, could you answer the question I just posed to the class?”

The student quickly said, “I didn’t catch the question, sir, but the answer is the money supply.”

Robert K. Walker June 28, 2013 at 6:44 pm

Here’s a true story about the great social theorist, Talcott Parsons.

He had been teaching at Harvard for many years, during which time there had been a lot of construction on the campus. An undergrad poked his head in his office and asked where a certain building was. He took the lad to his office window to point it out – but there was another building in the way, which had been there for many years.

Justin June 29, 2013 at 10:06 am

This is the best version, precisely because it isn’t ideological.

Marcel Kincaid June 29, 2013 at 8:52 am

Young stupid vile right wing ideologue wakes up to be Russ R.

Claude Scales July 6, 2013 at 12:07 am

Sorry, Marty. I had to scroll down to see that you’d beaten me to this one.

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