The entrepreneurial Yen Juan asks for a third opinion, the first being Prudie, the second being this podcast. She is advising this dilemma:
Although I was raised in a Jerry Springer-type family, I have had the opportunity in my life to go to college and get a good job. Through a lot of luck, you could call me middle class now. My humble start has created some problems for me. Over time, I have tried hard to learn better manners and social skills, but I always feel uncomfortable and inadequate socially when I am with my colleagues and peers. However, I also don't feel I can entirely relate to people from my background and I feel terrible when I realize that I'm probably a snob. It's a conflict that extends not only professionally, but socially, romantically. I would probably be more comfortable with a simple small-town man, but I want someone who can fit in to my world...[see the link for more].
Prudie says "relax", but I thought Trudie might offer some neo-liberal shock therapy...
Trudie told me:
Two problems are operating in tandem. First, some people are never happy with anything. Second, not all choices are convex (read: you can’t have .73 of a kid, or with ease marry 0.4(Tom) + 0.6 (Tony). In this case the predominance of the first problem renders the second irrelevant. "Do you want to hate just any man, or do you want to hate the man of your dreams?" Given the costs of rent exhaustion, you might as well hate any man.
The normative upshot is not to marry, if only to maximize social welfare on the male side. She hasn’t found any man "good enough" for her yet, which is a bad sign. It would be more encouraging if she had written: "I once met Mr. Right — just the proper blend — but sadly he was married. How can I find another just like him?"
The new problem is to precommit to not marrying. That’s a tough one. Investing in higher education no longer does the trick. How about having an ugly kid? Here is another strategy, but Tyler can ask his readers for better ideas.
Tyler is not so extreme and as you might expect he is just a wee bit more humane. He recommends playing an imagined strategy of 0.4(low class guy) + 0.6(high class guy), but taking your time with the actual choice, so you can bask in the expectation of having it all…
How about finding someone like her who was formerly “Jerry Springer” but now middle class?
Usually the far bigger problem is the person feels that they don’t belong, and so sabotage their attempts to connect with peers.
This article by Tim Harford is sadly relevant. If women face this kind of social discrimination when they “act white man” by being upwardly mobile and living the American dream, is it any wonder that they choose to underachieve?
From a non-American: “Relax and just try to find somebody that you like”.
What is the point in trying to find the “optimal mix” in theory?
It will not help finding the real person and, besides, there are more important qualities in a husband besides cultural background and these are not easily observable.
My idea would be to get out there, meet people and hopefully find somebody who is nice company and puts my complexes/issues at ease. Also, I would say that the more she will go out, the more confident she will be on her table manners
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These Trudie posts are too hard to understand.
Er, not Trudie. Prudie. Hard to keep track. Sorry.
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