As you go shopping for Christmas presents this holiday, bear in mind
that buying the wrong gift for a man could put your relationship with
him in jeopardy, whereas buying a bad gift for a woman is far less
dangerous.
Neither I nor Robin Hanson agree. Here is the discussion. The authors do present a rationale for their hypothesis:
The researchers think their findings are consistent with the tendency
for women to act as guardians of relationships, and that their positive
reaction to the receipt of a bad gift was a form of psychological
defence against the disappointment of receiving a dud present."That
is, in response to the relational threat posed by receiving a bad gift
from a partner, women may be more motivated than men to protect their
sense of similarity to the gift-giver," the researchers said, adding
that this reflects "the broader tendency for women – more than men – to
guard relationships against potential threats."
What do you all think?
Obviously, the authors have never really given a truly bad gift to a woman….
I think women give the appropriateness of the gift much more weight in their utility function.
I also don’t think the conclusion follows logically from the study.
Are you kidding? In a truely intimate relationship, a woman can recover from a bad gift in a jiffy.
BTW, This reminds me of this great market for guys who always forget dates and flowers. Sounds crude, but the website is: http://www.savemyass.com/
You upload your dates and they remind you prior to sending it so you aren’t caught in the dark.
They also rated the prospects for the future of their relationship more negatively, saying, for example, that they would be less likely to get married!
Holy Didn’t Control For Gender Differences Batman! Men are always respond this way more than women even without the other parts of the survey tacked on.
Based on evidence from the commercials that are one TV, it’s generally the men the have to get the right presents for the ladies, not vice versa.
Are they saying that women cover up their feelings over the bad gift in order to “save” the relationship?
That kind of internal dishonesty will only ever hurt in the long run. I think that women do this because they place great importance on the gift and so feel compelled to cover up, which will not improve the man’s choice in the future and cause brewing resentment as more gifts are screwed up in the future.
I think the gift is less important to the man and so he is honest about his feelings over it but in fact there is less actual harm done from the man’s point of view. However, the honesty will not be viewed as such since the woman will assume the man is as invested as she would be in his place and so much harm can be done from the woman’s point of view.
I usually try to assure (*in advance*) that it is the giving that is important. This is the total truth and so it is usually an easy sell. On the other side, I really, really, really try to “get the right thing”.
Unfortunately, I think women sometimes get conservative gifts because often the only safe option is “not the wrong thing”.
I’m with lawson: The tortured logic of this study strikes me as amazingly anti-male.
mickslam nails it.
The women I know all want to be able to tell all their female friends about the extravagant gift their significant other gave them that none of their friends got….
One year I gave a very nice slightly-used Lexus to my spouse. The good will lasted about 2 months. We were divorced two years later.
Not sure if there is a general lesson here, but I no longer give expensive gifts; gift cards to places likely to be in business for a few years only.
I’d prefer to give cash but people seem to attach more significance to a gift card for Godiva chocolates, McCormick & Schmicks, B&N, Starbux, etc. Which is OK with me as I can often buy those at a discount. So I appear even more generous!
“you have to spend on it”
I deny this, as apparently the only woman posting in this thread. My beloved could give me nothing more than a piece of twine and it would mean more to me than a diamond tennis bracelet. Are you all unfamiliar with the Beatles song “She’s a Woman?”
But alas the sexist nature of the study has predictably brought out sexist replies, a clear effect of how such things needlessly ruin discourse all around. It’s distressing.
Women (tend to) attach significance to how ‘in tune’ with her her partner is.
Giving her the expensive chic boots/purse/assorted in-thing she covets in the wrong color = FAIL.
Brent, I think you’re first problem is thinking they want a decorative gnome…
I can only talk about my personal experience. My ex-wife made me 2 great gifts, a copy of a children story book which is the first book I can remember reading (or actually looking at the pictures) and a cheap divorce. In general, I had everything I wanted and what I wanted and didn’t have was because I couldn’t afford it, but the book I had tried to buy it but couldn’t find it anywhere. When it came my turn to make the gift, it was always a pain, since I knew the thing she wanted was a diamond ring and I refused to buy it for her. Looking back I made the right decision.
I wasn’t able to access the full research, but this doesn’t say how many of each gift each sex rated as bad versus good. I’m willing to say that men rated a lower percentage of gifts bad than women. When the man did receive a gift they perceived as bad, the gift must have been really bad, indicating a major discord b/w the partners in the man’s eyes. Maybe this study should be performed with gay and lesbian couples.
I’m inclined to put another vote in with the anti-male bias of this study. The whole idea of women solely protecting their relationships doesn’t make much sense to me, either anecdotally or by any evidence or statistic I’ve yet seen. In fact, I’d argue that in most ways society is pretty aggressively reversing itself from the old assumptions of 25-50 years ago, such as how it used to be the norm for women to marry and stay at home, whereas now doing such a thing is almost considered offensive to many people. If you’re under massive amounts of pressure to work a “real” job and be self-sustaining, as a woman, I don’t see how that would mesh too well with the mentality that women would continue to feel as if they must defend their relationships. But my thoughts are anecdotal, at best, so whatever.
Maybe my imagination is severely lacking today, but I’m having trouble visualizing a realistic gift that someone could give me that was so inappropriate that it would jeopardize the relationship. Any examples, anyone?
I take one thing back. I have seen one male complain about gifts from women,
an old friend of mine. But he is a thorough idiot who has been dumped by a
lot more women for being a major pig than almost anybody I know.
Streetwalker,
Please post your beloved’s e-mail so I can alert him that he can save a whole bundle of money these holidays.
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